Pushing Thirtyy

Dividing Assets in a Break Up

If you think there are only two people in a relationship, you are wrong.  Sure, there are only two people in the bed (typically) but there are many more in a relationship, and sometimes you don’t realize this until the couple breaks up.

It’s been years now since I broke up with my college boyfriend, but I remember this feeling well.  I remember being sad about losing my connection to his family that I really cared about, about missing his dog that I fell in love with.  At the time, he didn’t bring too many friends to the table because they lived all over the place.  We typically hung out with my friends.  So when we broke up, of course my friends, who had also become his friends, all took sides.  Some of my friends I guess thought I was wrong to break up with him and took his side, but mostly my friends stuck with me.  It was really only my newer friends who didn’t really know me or our relationship to be fair judges so while it sucks to lose them to him, it wasn’t that painful of a loss as it would have been to lose friends who I had a long history with.

My ex and I eventually were on good terms, talking occasionally.  We were together for a long time and while the break up was tough and painful, it wasn’t filled with hatred and revenge.  Recently, we have lost touch and I have wondered why I wasn’t hearing from him. So what do you do when you lose touch with someone and are wondering what they are up to?  Well, in this day and age you turn to Facebook.  This is where I learned that a good friend of mine, one I know I “got” in the break up, was friends with him on Facebook.  I had a brief feeling of shock and “WTF” before rationality kicked in and I realized it is really just Facebook.  I have a ton of friends on Facebook that I don’t talk to and are simply connected to because we knew each other in another life.

But it’s not just friends you can lose in a break up, and it doesn’t happen just in romantic relationships.  It can also happen in friendships that fall apart.  Unconsciously (ok, sometimes consciously) you start avoiding places you both used to go, or you flip your routine so you go when you know that the other person wouldn’t be there.  In a way, you end up reinventing yourself.  With my ex, I really needed to and was ready to.  But sometimes, you are just forced into doing so.

I sometimes think about what would happen if (God forbid) I broke up with my current boyfriend. If things went awry, or he finally got sick of me.  My life would change drastically.  We mainly hang out with friends he brought to the table who I would have to give up.  He’d have to give up my dog that he’s fallen in love with.  Then there’s the apartment we share.  Home would never be home again.  We’ve built such a life together it would be so hard to untangle that I would consider up and moving away from it all.  And I’d be alone.  For a long time I would swear that I’d never date again, that I was sick of putting in the effort, that I didn’t want to get hurt again.

I guess it all comes down to finding yourself again, and loving yourself again, no matter what was lost.  Because the truth is most people will come and go and sometimes you just have to be comfortable being alone, and sometimes you have to be open to change, and at some point you will open your heart again, forget the past and move on.